Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
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Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
me working on my assignments ^-^
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids