Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings