Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
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My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket