@hippieswordfish: everyone's always asking me 'is your son named after the movie?' and I'm like no idiot Sharknado's 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013
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@UNTRESOR: Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I'll just sign up with a different name. They can't silence the truth.
@AbbieEvansXO: [at Hooters] Me: you shouldn't be working here. you're a human being Waitress: look, it's my choi- Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters