Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
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I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Xylophonist Shredding It
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.