When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
the Monday after daylight savings
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
😂😂
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Good news
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.