Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
a fate I wish upon no one
Merica.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Monday
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?