oh you wanna fight?!
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*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts