@jwoodham: Everyone's talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told? Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
@Sickayduh: Me: Guess what Her: What Me: The opposite of Aquaman Her: ... Me: Is Landlady Her: ... Me: ... Her: Your rent is still due tomorrow Me: Ok
@Cali_Kid_Mike: Yesterday I told my aunt that DTF means "Doing the Facebook". Her daily posts are much more entertaining now.
@living_marble: "Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!" "Dad, just once, couldn't you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?" "ARISE!"