Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
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Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*