Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
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*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
there has never been a better use of this meme
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby