casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
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Finally, a door that understands me
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Happy Friday
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.