“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
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I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys