Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
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Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Happy Caturday!
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.