@Taryn_: Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you're a dumb ass and you make poor decisions.
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@farahfergie: The Cheesecake Factory had a "Help Wanted" sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn't to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
@Jay_FrickinLynn: Me: Hi Kid: M: Still? It's been a week K: YOUR FIRST INSTINCT DURING A CAR ACCIDENT WAS TO PROTECT YOUR PHONE! M: You didn't die. Calm down.
@FlyJ_: I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would've been an embarrassing obituary.
@NichollsTerence: I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you'll be seeing me on the 6 o'clock news.