How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
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I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
work smarter, not harder
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.