I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*