age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.