Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Happy Thanksgiving
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with