Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.