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@daemonic3: "Everything I touch just turns to shit!"
- Large intestines
@Jake_Vig: POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
@RandiLawson: For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can't even right now, obvs press THREE.
@stevevsninjas: HER: You didn't make a reservation?
ME: I got this.
(to Maître D') Perhaps *this* will jog your memory?
M: A handful of Skittles, sir?
@SarcasticAlly12: When friends or family ask me if I'm going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?"
@kwirkyKerri: Nice cargo shorts. You may want to dial back that awesome a little. Not really sure how much I can take.