“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.