everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Shortcut
This January has 47 Mondays
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.