everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer