Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
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*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???