Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
adam and eve had first world problems
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.