Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
No way!
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine