@TheDeadfishSays: "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.
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@spark_asis: I don't get why someone would want the house in a divorce. "your honor, I'd like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry."
@Sickayduh: Professor: "Did you just show up drunk to my exam?" No way "Hungover then?" Nope "There's a lime wedge on your face"
@robdelaney: I'm so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
@Lisabug74: 8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.