@TheDeadfishSays: "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.
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@Sarcasticsapien: I like how when you pull down on a paper towel dispenser you either get half a paper towel or half the roll.
@PaperWash: me: [gets on one knee] GF: [gasps] me: [reaches into pocket] GF: OMG me: [pulls phone out] don't move there's a Pokemon on your foot
@RichardDawkins: Don't ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He's too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
@TheCatWhisprer: *intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they're for multiple people*