“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.