Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
You Might Also Like
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
For the baby who has everything
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Two types of dogs.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.