It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.