Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
You Might Also Like
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
his wife is probably gonna see that
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently