@HallpassCanada: Everytime I check my facebook I remember why i'm on Twitter.
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@KimmyMonte: Rejected Disney Movie Titles: 1) Find My Fish Son 2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs 3) Peter Pot 4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face 5) It's Cold
@SwedishCanary: I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving
@ArchiePeeler: If anyone pulls a quarter from behind your ear you chloroform them and put them in chains in your basement and you'll always have quarters.
@Brentweets: Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can't keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.