I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
There’s only one good girl here!
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Not today. 😅
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭