*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
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“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
He died doing what he loved: being alive
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”