If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!