Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun