Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
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(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[loses house key, starts a new life]
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.