Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
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Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.