I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
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People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.