@awesomeseank: Evidently, trying to schedule parent/teacher conference over drinks and "we'll see what happens" is considered inappropriate.
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@Rollinintheseat: When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I'm with what I want to eat, I respond "Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me."
@hythemafia: My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure... ..So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die
@ImaFlyontheWall: *follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
@TheGladStork: Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.