You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
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“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.