i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
i have one speed and it’s mosey
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.