Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The prophecy is fulfilled
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination