@brendohare: [evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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@daemonic3: The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
@TheDailySchmuck: People have underestimated me my entire life, and they've been wrong on like two of those days.
@Brianhopecomedy: Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
@ThinkingSavage: Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir? Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.