@brendohare: [evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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@squirrel74wkgn: Wife: I told you to slow down. Cop: License & registration, please. Wife (opens glovebox): Divorce papers? Me: Look underneath them.
@Manda_like_wine: Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
@AbbyHasIssues: I feel like whoever named it a "magic marker" was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
@slytherinstef: So I didn't stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee- Does that sainthood thing start like right away or...