[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.