[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
You Might Also Like
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
you gotta be faster
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Aight bet
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar