Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
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How to find Kentucky on a map
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Previously On Persistence 😎
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.