Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
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Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip