Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
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“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”