“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
You Might Also Like
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.