“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.