@jonnysun: "evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window" - me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
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@DurtMcHurtt: Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don't like being shaved while they're eating.
@wittwitbarista: Him: let's play a game of rhyme. I'll go first. Romantic Me: Panic Him: Fun Me: Run Him: love Me: shove Him: this isn't going well. Me: hell
@kelkulus: All those years studying karate saved my life one night, when a man with a gun jumped out of nowhere and demanded I count to 10 in Japanese.