Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
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me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna