there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
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*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade