everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
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I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Unimpressed
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.