[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’