When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
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6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
groan^2
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*