My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
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“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Not😆🤣
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.